Open Micah

Satellite Radio

2009-06-27T16:09:00.045+09:00

Just a reminder for those of you still disconsolate over the Michael Jackson situation: People can move on. Satellite radios are people, too.

Will Stamina reminds all his fellow satellite radio subscribers it's All Michael Jackson through Monday on Sirius 51 and XM 62, and offers this headline: "Stoned wallabies make crop circles."

Open Micah thinks we should stop talking about Michael Jackson. He's dead and we shouldn't let a perve get away with being freaky. And Sirius is on its way out. Let it die.

Aden Glowering
Maybe we should stop letting dumb fucks w/ no relevance at all in history stop posting stupid fucking facebook comments.

Will Stamina Please....language...

Open Micah
Yeah, take it more seriously.

Will Stamina I'm not trying to make a statement, just trying to make folks aware of something they might like to listen to, and given the number of people who have asked me about it (several), there's interest in listening to something like this. Nothing more, nothing less. And I, for one, will be listening.

Aden Glowering
Michael Jackson inspired an entire generation. I will give you a quote from my bro" at my age thriller and bad were required listening for survival of the elementary school. parachute pants and checkerboard kicks didnt hurt that cause much either. watching michael grow from what he was to what he became was a difficult process but looking back... i am glad i could have his music as the backdrop for important parts of my life. r.i.p king of pop

Open Micah I'm just saying go into a sports bar right now. You don't want to hear Michael Jackson played 13 times.

Laura Lady
Correction- YOU don't want to hear him played 13 times. So stay out!! Because the rest of the world WANTS to hear him. For those of us in our 30s and 40s, he was our Elvis, our Lennon. You 20-somethings sadly don't have a musical artist that has achieve god-like status. If you had, you'd understand his role in our lives.And quit cursing on Will's Friendface page! He uses this not only for friends but for professional purposes!

And thus do all of us here at Open Micah remember the King of Pop. We also wish to express our condolences to the survivors of Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon. May you and all your progeny be free from anal cancer. Hi-yooo!

Letter to a Supervisor

2009-05-28T03:14:00.015+09:00

Lise,

You have indeed always tried to help me, but usually your help is very accusatory. You frame all the problems like they are not your fault, and then keep this air of superiority when explaining the situation. I also hear that you complain to the office about how you have to deal with me. That's certainly not very polite.

You need to realize that the people you work with are all as intelligent and capable as you are. They understand the duties required of them and the way in which they do their work. You don't need to explain at length how they should finish an assignment. You hired these people so you should trust their judgment.

You should also keep a detailed account of what tasks you assign people, because you often forget. This banking issue was a perfect example. True, the school paid me my full severance. I am glad there was proof. Still, I specifically asked you to put all my severance into my KEB account. You and I sat down, and I read my account number to you. We had an entire meeting about it. Unfortunately, as it happened, you didn't relay that information to school, and I had no way to directly access the money once it was given to me. I had to FedEx my bank card to Hana, and from there I had to rely on other people to do my banking for me. The whole ordeal cost me considerable time and money, and it all could have been avoided if you would have remembered a very important piece of information as I gave it to you. And this is just the banking matter. If we wanted to delve into the excess curriculum work that we had to do throughout the year because you often forgot what you instructed us to do in the first place, we could write a ton more emails.

But we should leave the matter as it is. I appreciate you taking the time to handle this banking mix-up. In general you were an agreeable supervisor and a vast improvement upon your predecessor. I do wish you the best of luck with your career. After talking to you, it seems that you have your future well-figured. I hope it goes as you planned. Please, just remember--the people that work for you are intelligent and capable. Allow them to use their own faculties to complete the tasks you assign them. Make sure, moreover, that you are clear and concise with your assignments and that you remember exactly what it is that you assigned. I believe that's absolutely crucial to professional supervision.

Enjoy the school year,

Micah

A Glorious Return and Some Ground Rules

2009-05-19T03:47:00.028+09:00

Welcome back to school, Children. It’s time for language lab.

Before you enter the lab, please keep in mind these simple rules.

First of all, you need to remember that I, in my infinite capacity as teacher, have complete access to the network. I have a screen before me that shows all the computers in the lab and gives me access to any screen, at any time. Every one of your computer stations has a number on it, and with a click I can bring up your number and your screen, in real time. Put simply, what you see, I see.

That said, every student needs to begin their work immediately. When you enter the lab, make sure you find your seat, log on, and get started on the lesson right away. Please don’t waste time at the beginning of the class tending to such personal business as chatting with your boyfriend. In this regard, your school email address is the same as your cellular telephone: they are not allowed in class. I know you just HAVE to talk your boyfriend right now, but don’t worry. I’m sure he can wait to say in person “nuttin’ much; just bored in study hall thinking of you baby”.

Please also remember—and I’m looking at you, Casey—that I have a greater perception of the classroom than you realize. I CAN see and hear you, even if you are quietly trying to hide behind the partition of your computer. I KNOW you and Contessa are not doing your work because I can SEE you, plain as day, leaning towards each other and talking. And that begs the question, Why try to fake your work at all? I can still look at your computer screen and see that it’s not moving. I can still tell that you haven’t made any progress. True, you have your “french2bodyparts” scores up, but let’s be honest with each other—when the results from Le Visage don’t move in 10 minutes, I know you’re wasting time. You also shouldn’t audibly tell Contessa how you were “like, freaking out” the last time you were at Kinzie’s house. That’s a dead giveaway.

Finally, remember that it is time neither for your jokes nor your personal information. I am a substitute, after all, and while you might think it funny to leave a message in MS Word on your screen to say “Hello!! Thank you for subbing for my class today!!”, the chances of getting a reaction from me are very slim. I am a poised and professional educator, and there is no way with my skill and control I would react to such a move.

That said, I also don’t need to see your private, personal data. Please wait until after class to check your grades. This is specifically for you, Jazmyne, because I don’t need to see the 40% you got on your “Cowboy Frontier Text Reading” or the 0% on your “Gas Lab Behavior”. You should respect me and yourself by keeping that information confidential.

And, Jazmyne, as long as I have your attention, let me just say that now is not the time for you and Reneisha to be checking out the quotes from your favorite ghetto comedy. Yes, I know Menace II Society was a fine film, but now is the time for French practice. If you want to highlight the dialogue between O-Dog, Caine and A-Wax as they debated the legitimacy of their late-night drive-by, do it on your own time. I know it’s a poignant scene that really explores man’s desire to murder children, but not in language lab. That can wait until you get home.

So that’s all for now. You can go ahead and find your seats. Remember to save all work on the “Students server”, in the “Language Lab” folder. If you need to get your printing from Workroom 1, please get a pass from me. Ok, get started.

NOTE TO TEACHERS: Using the screen monitoring technology really is a lot of fun. One piece of advice, though, to save yourself lots of unnecessary time: go straight for the sluts. If you want the best and juiciest tidbits, look for the trashiest and sluttiest students in class. They are the students most likely to get off-topic, and whatever they do look at usually doesn’t disappoint.

Enjoy this lab time. You really do have complete control. Like O-Dog would say, “Shit, nigga, I'll smoke anybody, nigga. I just don't give a fuck. Shit. I'm gonna hit this shit, nigger.”

Mad Lib by Teddy the Second Grader

2008-10-24T09:40:00.009+09:00

"My Trip to Disney World"

Last month, I went to Disney World with Ryan 2. We traveled for 7 hours by skateboard. Finally, we got there and it was very ugly.

There were stupid people peeing everywhere. There were also people dressed up in chimpanzee costumes. I wish it had been more dum, but we pooed anyway.

We also went on a smelly ride, called "Magic Poo". Ryan 2 nearly fell off the ride and had to be peed.

Later we went to the hotel and crashed. Next year, I want to go to America, where we can crazy.

Rules for the Artist

2008-10-22T21:12:00.008+09:00

For those of you interested in drawing the human form, a word of advice: Know your audience. You should take great care that your artwork is appropriate for those who might view it. Granted, to make such a determination is difficult and requires an exceptional understanding of personality and culture, but thankfully, we here at Open Micah have such understanding in spades.

Basically, there are two rules:

Rule Number One: Be consistent. (And this is generally an issue of culture.) If you're using a certain language, stick with it. Don't change languages mid-piece. Your viewer becomes confused if the majority of your anatomical elements are, for example, in English while one or two other elements--like, say, the nipples--are in Korean. Such inconsistency is an uncomfortable speed bump on the smooth road of your viewer's artistic enjoyment. You should also avoid distracting verbatim translations of your own language's terms for body parts. Viewers can guess, for instance, what "nose water" is, but they shouldn't have to. Remember--if you don't take the time to research how your audience speaks, you don't deserve their attention.

Rule Number Two: No labia. You're in second grade, for Pete's sake. Grow up.

With these two simple rules, you too can have artistic success. When fame comes, just remember who steered you in the right direction.

In Defense of Baseless Attacks

2008-10-17T15:58:00.025+09:00

It has come to my attention that certain members of the student community have embarked on a malicious campaign to smear my good name. It is dishonest, hurtful and uncalled for. As a member of the faculty, it is my duty to bring this abuse to light.

First and foremost is the illicit use of my name. In no way did I suggest or consent to being featured in the student news article. The assignment as I understood it was to create a fictional fifth finder of the Golden Ticket--someone to hypothetically replace Charlie. Apparently, the new character was supposed to be as unsavory of attitude and action as the previous four finders. To include me with such objectionable figures as the gluttonous Augustus Gloop or the irksome Violet Beauregarde is as insulting as it is distasteful. Furthermore, to address me by my Christian name and to insinuate my immaturity by calling me "Young Mr. Philips" is just disrespectful.

I also take issue with efforts to impugn my integrity. As anyone in this school's administration will tell you, I am a man of high principles. Ponder, if you will, my 7 months at this institution. Has there once been a formal complaint about my conduct? Have I ever been charged with being anything less than completely professional? I thought not. To say that I am a "selfish" and "very nasty boy" is absolutely unnecessary.

Esteemed colleagues, I think you know libel when you see it. You understand this article was a tactless ploy by a student body frustrated by homework, eager to lash out. As always, your support is appreciated, and I hope that in the future you will remain just as vigilant against such abuse. Lord knows I will.

UPDATE: I recently came across more libelous material and I wanted to be first to share it with you. Just to set the record straight, in no way do I:

"get a 0% on the test"
"always say 'It's mine! that's all mine give it to me!! I hate you!'"
"always say bad words. 'Fxxk you! You xxxxx!!'"

have purple hair
have a "very rich" mother

Don't believe the lies. They are destroying our community.

Midwest Grandma Says "Yes" To Weed

2008-10-16T08:22:00.011+09:00

As many of you know, the debate over medicinal marijuana refuses to go away. Sure, the issue has been precluded in recent months by such "larger" matters as the presidential election, the worlwide economic crisis and the seemingly interminable war on terror, but it is of paramount importance to remember what mattered most in our formative years--gettin' high with the bros.

Even my Grandma knows this. Just recently her husband, Clarence, (not my mother's late father, but the man who married my Grandma suspiciously late in life) was told that his cancer had spread to his bones. As the doctors pronognostified, Clarence could expect even more of the pain that plagues his daily life. Naturally, my Grandma was distraught. Her husband's life is already rapidly and painfully drawing to a close, and surely he doesn't need more discomfort. He is also too weak to undergo chemo, so what is she to do? The answer? Smoke a doob!

The doctors told my Grandma that right now the most effective method of alleviating Clarence's pain is medicinal marijuana. The only problem, says her, is that there is no way he could smoke it--he hasn't smoked a day is his life. Don't worry, the doctors counter, it can be ingested. Well children, let me tell you, my Grandma is positively a-twitter. In the words of my mother, the old bird is "absolutely excited". Now if I could only send her some magic baked goods in the mail--if only the Korean government was that flexible. Oh well. I know a guy in Boulder that could probably help her out.

EDITOR'S NOTE: This is the Grandma who claims to be the biggest Republican in Mexico, Missouri, and THE stalwart of Audrain County conservatism. It was she who once famously decried the presidential candidacy of Bill Clinton, because if elected, he would nominate Hillary Clinton as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, which in turn was horrifying because Hillary was (and is?) a Communist homosexual.

Conversation with Runjhun

2008-10-14T14:39:00.013+09:00

For those of you who remember, Runjhun Misra was one of the select few from the Indian subcontinent who we, with our unsurpassed faculties of wit, would tease mercilessly in high school. Cibi was another, but we saved his abuse mostly for college. (I, myself, was one of the most prolific of Cibi's agitators, as I frequently passed out in front of the blaring stereo, and always left small, filthy tokens of my respect for him--like a bowl of butter or a bag of bagels--in the kitchen for days on end.)

Well, it appears that Runjhun is making of name for herself. I recently had the opportunity to chat with her through the internets, and she informed me that she only has 1.5 years left before she becomes a real doctor. When I asked her what she would specialize in, she said:

"im not sure yet
im thinking radiology now
after ppl with AIDS throw up on me"

What an odd thing to say. Was it a joke? What it a humorous morsel to brighten my afternoon? And what am I to think about the subsequent invitation to come with her to India? Am I to assume that since our paths have lead us in such different directions--her to the bright lights of Vegas, and me to the peppered radish of Seoul--that it is finally time for a reunion? An AIDS-induced reunion?

Perhaps I shouldn't ask questions. After all, she was ribbed pitilessly all through highschool--she may just require some medical attention. She does have 1.5 years left, though, before she can diagnose herself. A girl could get mighty depressed waiting that long.

Calling Doctor Cibi.

유재석

2008-09-29T23:12:00.009+09:00

Well, folks, I know you all expected that by coming to Korea I would be awash in celebrity, and sure enough, tonight was my night. I was at Bally's gym (on a free pass from Ms. S), and who should I see but Mr. Yu Jae-seok.

That's right, the Korean comedian par excellence. The one-time most eligible Korean bachelor and THE most prolific Korean TV personality of our generation. Yu fucking Jae-seok, right there working on his lats. Can you believe it? Without this guy, we never would have had the Sauna Karaoke genre of reality comedy. Ever.

Now if only my British friend will stop asking me to peek at him in the shower. No, Glen, I won't "spy his willy" for you.

Are My Kids Racist?

2008-09-27T15:54:00.007+09:00

Today's tidbit is woefully abridged. I am still swimming in the soju-induced haze from last night's blackout. (I'm not an alcoholic, I swear.) My question is, did I really listen to 26 minutes of All the Pretty Horses on audiobook? And why were all my clothes in a pile in front of the refrigerator, soaking wet? It wasn't urine, I checked.

Anyway, Mr. Phillips, move to the question at hand. Are your kids racist? Honestly, I don't know. You have to be the judge.

It all started with Brain Quest:

The wonderful quiz game. The invaluable classroom aide. The question was "In the 1800's, what kind of people worked without pay on plantations?" My student Jackie was the first to raise her hand. She got really quiet and almost whispered her answer: "black chocolate".

Now, what do I do? Do I stop laughing and tell her not to call black people "chocolate"? Do I allow the answer, saying I also would have accepted "slaves"? Do I ponder what latent line of racism is simmering in the Korean psyche that allows such thoughts to unwittingly seep into a Korean child's subconcious?

Nope. I merely ask her why she would identify black people with a delicious, dark candy. Her answer? "Because they're sweet. " Aw...she's not racist, she's just nice.

I wonder what she'd say if we took a field trip to the streets of Chicago and fielded the many hobos' requests for change. I wonder what kind of black man would scare such niceties out of Jackie. Unfortunately, until they allow English teachers to accompany their rich students on summer trips overseas, we can only speculate.

Golden Fucolate

2008-09-24T10:51:00.006+09:00

Welcome back to the school week, children. It's Mr. Phillips again, ready to portion out your daily dose of Who Gives a Shit?

Today it's Tom:

Tom is your typical, highly-evolved Korean child, with the oblong head, the starched shirt and the face. He is also one of more unruly boys in class. Beware, though, lest ye discipline him! His mother is a prominent member of a national television corporation, and she can bring her resources to bear. (Like, you know, calling the principal.) Imagine my surprise when he turned in this week's delectable nugget.

The assignment was to design your own Golden Ticket. We went over the possible components of a ticket like instructions, location and prizes. Naturally, being the adroit educator that I am, I encouraged the students to expand upon the components. To dip deep into their brain buckets and bring forth a ticket worthy of Wonka himself. What did Tom do? He added "Golden Rubbish" and "fucolate" as prizes.

Giving trash and combining "chocolate" with "fuck". This is why I teach.

A Note on Choads

2008-09-19T14:38:00.014+09:00

I did some research on the subject for my last piece (of shit), and I stumbled across this outright chimerical nugget:

When Yahoo Answers was asked, "What is a choad? (Have to no now it was a dare my brother dared me to ask)", it answered that--among other, more penis-related things--"Choad is a name for the fecal matter on an animal's behind (also called a dingleberry)."

I had no idea! What an appealing tidbit!

Also previously unknown to me, "Choad made a big splash with [its] 'penis' meaning during the 1960s in some underground comics: 'What a find…a giant choad!' (Zap Comics, unp. no. 3, 1968)."

What a find, indeed.

Changin' Names

2008-09-19T14:38:00.006+09:00

It's almost the weekend here, and I feel like I should begin what should be yet another weekend drought of blerging with a dulcet ode to the phenomenom of the Korean Student Name Change. As any English teacher in Korea will tell you, Korean kids are quite fond of changing their English name. They are indiscriminate mistresses, and whatever English trends tickle their fancy, they take a name from. It's particularly obvious in the generation of Koreans my age, as they were fans of such screamingly popular shows as Friends when growing up, and have names like Monica or Jennifer. My own girlfriend (Korean name Yunshin, who, by the way, told me two weeks ago that she is leaving in a week to Australia for six months) is a prime example, because she calls herself "Jen" after Whats Her Face played by Jennifer Aniston. She also hates Angelina Jolie, because of--you guessed it--Jennifer Aniston.

So, how does this relate to my kids? Well, school is just now in session, and all the little Korean monkeys are returning to class with different names. My kids are rich, you see, because I teach at snooty Catholic private school, and my kids spend summers traveling to other countries, going to America and England to study English. They go, they stay with host families, and they make lots of American friends. I'm writing this post because of one such kid.

Meet Mina:

She is your typical, attractive Korean 5th grader. Big shiny face, little almond eyes, tongue like a frying pan. She's got all the makings a great, beautiful hedgehog-of-a-wife, only she also has something even better: she loves--absolutely loves--changing her name. Case in point: when she first came to class, she was Mina. Nice, simple, a derivative of her Korean name. Good. Mina. Then she came mid-semester last year and changed it to Remina. I asked her why, and she said, "To start again." Okay, that's a little weird using the prefix like that, but fine. You want use it, that's your business. Then she comes back from summer with a weird one. Clody. "Clody?" I ask her. "Yeah, Clody." I ask her why, and she says because she made a friend Claudia in America, and the name is a tribute to her. Some fucking tribute. A nickname for name that isn't supposed to have a nickname--and the nickname itself is a bastard spelling of a fucked-up pronunciation. I'll be damned if I'm calling her that.

So, what do I do? I change it to Choady. She doesn't realize it at first, but as classes kick in, it's starts to bother her. She demands to know what it means. I say, "Something very gross." She asks what, and I say, "Wait till you get a Korean husband." Then she says, "Teacherrrr!", with the long Korean whine, and eventually--knowing that my superiority in the matter is interminable--agrees to change her name back to Mina.

And that's it. That's how you break 'em. Throw some choads in their face.

Local Beer: The Cafri Files

2008-09-18T22:16:00.015+09:00

Well, children, I need to get back to blerging. I have been too long away. There are, of course, a myriad of excuses (one being the holiday weekend), but really there is no excuse. You come to Open Micah for your daily fix of bullshit, and I want to give it to you. I want to be that site that you come to for 15 seconds and say, Hey, that's almost funny enough to comment on.

Let's start things off with a little more of the tasty, Who Gives A Shit morsels that is living in Korea. Exhibition One: Cafri Beer.

It's sold at my local supermarket for pretty cheap, about a dollar bottle, but the catch is that none of the bottles have ever been opened. Buyer beware! Never try to open the bottle by hand or you will get cut!

If your a man trying to get your drink on after pulling the trifecta of masturbating, getting to the gym AND getting a good meal, six Cafris and three Budweisers are the way to go.

Oh My God

2008-09-18T22:16:00.014+09:00

Ok, sorry to interrupt. I really wanted my next post to be about the sweet shit that my kids give me that I think is funny but really is only funny a little bittle bit if you know the context and know me.

BUT here is this video I found immediately after posting the last thing, and this is basically what I think Koreans are saying when they sing songs. And it's fucking true!

Make Your Own Golden Ticket

2008-09-18T09:13:00.004+09:00

"Congratulations!

Now you have a chance to visit Willy's chocolate factory. Don't talk to other people, except your family. It is important. You have to come my factory very quietly. The factory is between John's Mental Hospital and Justin's plastic surgery hospital. I will kill people, but if stay alive with your family, I will give this chocolate factory. Please come at 8:00 am on Friday.

Bye, Bye!"

Welcome Back Writing Assignment, Grade 2

2008-09-12T08:16:00.003+09:00

Write a paragraph about what you did for summer vacation. Talk about where you went, what you did and what you saw.

"This summer vacation is boring for me. I only studied a lot. I cannot playing because my mommy talled me, 'don't play. only study!'

When I was listened what the mother said, I was tired. but when I was finsheb homeowrk, I can read a books so, I am happy. In winter vacation, I wanted to play."

I'm gonna miss you, Gay Pride Parade!

2008-09-10T09:30:00.006+09:00

Application: ROMANTIC INVOLVEMENT WORKSHEET

"It is important for you to have a frank discussion with your significant other about the impact of service on your relationship."

"At times during your service you will encounter a great deal of stress, transition and isolation. The stress of an intensive training program and challenge of adapting to different cultural values may prove particularly difficult without the support of your partner. You may feel an overwhelming loss of friendship, love and support at a time when you need it most."

"[S]ervice tends to be a time of tremendous personal growth. Your perspective on many things will likely change as you experience life in another culture. Often returning home requires as much adjustment as adjusting to a new country and culture. This can also be challenging for romantic relationships."

"In order to best prepare you and your partner please carefully consider, discuss and answer the following questions. Please note, there are no right or wrong answers. (Please use additional paper as needed.)"

Street Squid Eats Truck

2008-09-07T21:45:00.009+09:00

No, no. After you.

Tiger Gets High Again

2008-09-05T14:13:00.006+09:00

Fuck you, Rabbits.

Conversation with Heejung

2008-09-04T09:34:00.006+09:00

I talked to Heejung on messenger, and she starts to rib me like she always does about fucking high schoolers. She says I can visit Massachusetts and fuck some junior high boys, and I start talking about how their vaginas are too big, and Joel gets on and says HEY!!! Stop talking dirty to my wife!!!!

"Saturday"

2008-09-03T23:14:00.006+09:00

"If Perowne were inclined to religious feeling, to supernatural explanations, he could play with the idea that he's been summoned; that having woken in an unusual state of mind, and gone to the window for no reason, he should acknowledge a hidden order, an external intelligence which wants to show or tell him something of significance. But a city of its nature cultivates insomniacs; it is itself a sleepless entity whose wires never stop singing; among so many millions there are bound to be people staring out of windows when normally they would be asleep. And not the same people every night. That it should be him and not someone else is an arbitrary matter. A simple anthropic principle is involved. The primitive thinking of the supernaturally inclined amounts to what his psychiatric colleagues call a problem, or an idea, of reference. An excess of the subjective, the ordering of the world in line with your needs, an inability to contemplate your own unimportance. In Henry's view such reasoning belongs on a spectrum at whose far end, rearing like an abandoned temple, lies psychosis."

Fifth Grade Writing Test

2008-09-02T09:04:00.005+09:00

Part 2: Write an essay about the following topic. Use this page to organize your thoughts. Use the next page to write your essay.

Topic: Many teachers assign homework to students every day. Do you think that daily homework is necessary for students? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

"I thing is good

Beaucus stundent are study"

"I'm homework very pleas thins."

"I think all teacher give to the students to homework but students is all bessy so some student didn't do homeworke then teacher hit student but Americ's teacher is not hiting the student so all student thik "I want to go America" so I want to said for teacher don't hiting this is my think."

"Now lets say there was daily homework. If it was about four o clock now, I would be in trouble for secretly playing without doing any homework, or for doing it without permission. If I were a girl, I would be hiding under a pillow, crying my heads out."

Rain

2008-09-01T22:29:00.004+09:00

It literally rained all day, from the time I woke up from when I went to bed. What a crock of shit.

Wall E

2008-08-31T23:09:00.005+09:00

It knew it would be good, if only because all my friends stateside spoke good things about it. Thanks, Craintrain.

I wonder, if Finding Nemo was more child-oriented in humor with lots of jokes for the parents, and Wall E was a major departure from kiddie humor but still overall enjoyable, do you think animation could make a completely adult-oriented film? Even better, do you think animators could make good drama?

Death Class 101

2008-08-29T15:09:00.004+09:00

If you live in Korea, you probably know about Korea's high suicide rate. Almost 25 of every 100,000 Koreans kill themselves per year, and this is one of the highest rates in the world. Fortunately, this information is not lost on Korea's largest corporations. As of this year, Samsung and Hyundai are instituting "well-dying" courses to help their employees understand what happens when you commit suicide. They do everything from write wills, take funeral pictures and get "buried" in real coffins. What an excellent idea!

Bill O'Reilly

2008-08-29T10:13:00.007+09:00

I was listening to NPR online and I heard an old interview of Bill O'Reilly by Terry Gross. As much as I hate the guy, when you hear him talking calmly and logically about something, he's really very impressive. He has an excellent ability of shifting an argument into words that can't be used against him. He has an almost perfect command of logic.

Henry VIII

2008-08-28T14:08:00.008+09:00

I was watching The Tudors and thinking about King Henry. Did you know that he had some of the most well-kept medical records to date, but there still is mystery surrounding his death? He had numerous leg problems--mostly from showing-off for ladies at the joust--and by the end of his life he was almost completely senile. He also suffered from burst ulcers and was bedridden and unconscious for the last week of his life. Despite all this, historians now believe that he died of syphillis. The proof? Most of his children were stillborn, and those that survived showed signs that they had syphillitic parents. Specifically, Elizabeth I was probably barren; "Edward VI died after his nails fell off and his body was smothered in an awful rash; and Mary I's husband complained of the horrid stench that emanated from her nose".

One More Time

2008-08-27T22:54:00.005+09:00

I saw Dark Knight for the second time. It makes you think how people can die and you don't care, but then other people can die and you know you've lost something.

$$$$$$$

2008-08-25T09:48:00.003+09:00

Anyone that went to Columbia Public Schools, check this out.

Welcome Back!

2008-08-25T08:17:00.004+09:00

I came back to my school computer and these are the first four previous Google searches:

chickens gary larson book
elementary journal writing topics
scott baio angry
"bobbi brown"+"overnight cream"

I am an excellent teacher!

A Matter of Opinion

2008-08-25T01:46:00.011+09:00

As some of you know, I have a Youtube page where I display the few (and very trivial) videos that I have made. I link to it on Facebook, and everyone (save my former coworkers and--I assume--friends from the Midwest) thinks they're abusive. Obviously, no one can take a joke.

Some of the best comments (not just from this video, but from all of them) include:

You are a horrible murderer. Have you got nothing better to do! You are a child abuser. You are a villain.

What a colossally stupid person you are

You need to grow up and get a life you dumbass. Ever heard of the phrase, "pick on someone your own size??" Man up son, you're NOT FUCKING 10

I've seen your videos. I'm going to research who hired you as a teacher! I'm going to find out where you teach. You're an evil piece of shit! Someone's head will be on a stick! If I find you first...you're DEAD motherfucker! Go to Japan asshole! Leave Korea!

Still, I am not without my proponents.

People are so overacting.he was just pushing a kid into a ballpit?Is that horrible?OMG!!!!If someone was on a bridge and you was pusing him into the water just for fun.You put it on youtube, and then people call you horrible, and show hatred.Life is funnny.Stop being such fags.

That the shit dude! fuck those lil kids up!

Back To It

2008-08-25T01:38:00.004+09:00

Vacation is over and it's back to school. I was sufficiently strung out (in the non-heroin, all-liquor sense of the word), but the time at home was enough to bring me back to equilibrium. Home, of course, means Seoul.

I think school will go a lot better. There aren't any more problems with co-workers, and I feel like I have a new sense of how to talk to kids. I feel almost kinder; though that could be because I ride my bike almost every day. When winter comes, I might not be so nice.

Expats

2008-08-19T23:39:00.007+09:00

There are lots of creepy old guys here. Usually with Filipina wives and shriveled rattails. I would snap picture, I don't want to get my ass kicked. In Korea it wouldn't be a problem.

Boracay

2008-08-16T04:00:00.002+09:00

We had to wait 6 hours in the airport because our airline couldn't get their shit together. Apparently it happens every time.

Naturally once I got drunk on the island, I got walked home by the local transvestites. The first one had been a woman her whole life, and the second had been since she was five.

I wish when I went out again to the internet cafe she wasn't there to walk me.

Second Night

2008-08-15T02:54:00.009+09:00

We went to the richer part of the city to meet a Korean friend, and then came back to our neck of the woods to hang out at a local bar. We drank with expats and their Filipina wives, and luckily we defused the drunk Brit who wanted to fight. Apparently America didn't care about terrorists before 9-11 because we were too busy killing British soldiers.

Also George, Europe will turn its back on you after the election. Obama is a muslim because he went to elementary school in Indonesia.

First Night

2008-08-14T01:28:00.007+09:00

I'm in Manila, and my entire first evening was spent in the airport. Everyone gave me bad information, and my ticket to Boracay that should have cost $40 was actually $200. I almost didn't get them at all.

Update

2008-08-12T13:31:00.005+09:00

The assistant to the supervisor did the "paper for paying before settlement" this morning, and said I should have my money by 3 PM. This means that the supervisor only had to fill out one paper before she went on vacation, and probably forgot on purpose. Bitch.

Itinerary

2008-08-12T13:28:00.002+09:00

The schedule of my vacation as of now: 2 nights in Manila, 4 nights on Boracay, 1 night in Taipei on the way home.

I leave tomorrow at 10:30 AM.

Vacation Prep

2008-08-11T23:16:00.010+09:00

It's always something, isn't it? If you buy tickets to a movie, they give you shitty seats. If you want a decent burger for cheap, it's across town and takes an hour to get there. If you want to date a girl, she's a virgin. Well, today I had another one: if you want to get your money, they won't pay you until Friday.

I was originally supposed to get paid last Friday. It was money from the three-week summer camp that just finished. It totaled to about $1000. The lady in charge of the money promised us that we would have it before camp ended. The last day came, though, and the money wasn't there. I was a little worried. But, I thought, it's Friday--maybe the transaction won't go through until the end of the business day. Maybe it won't even be there until Saturday morning. So I waited. Then Saturday came and it still wasn't there. Now I started panicking. I'm leaving on Wednesday for the Philippines, and there are only two business days for them to transfer the funds. This is bad because in Korea, two days isn't enough.

I tried to take care of it today. That of course was hard. There are layers upon layers of people to talk to. First is the metropolitan school board. They said to talk to the district. I talked to the district, and they said talk to my school. I talked to my school, and they didn't speak English. Great. Finally, I found (meaning got the phone number of) the assistant to the lady with the money. She helped the lady with the money that ran the camp. But of course, she didn't have the answers. She said the lady with the money was out of the country and unable to be contacted.

Long story short, the assistant to the money lady said that the money lady just didn't do it. She left without doing the paperwork for our paychecks. The assistant told me that now the school has to do the paperwork, and we will get paid at the latest on Friday. That of course is too late, so I tomorrow I will get up bright and early to hound these people. I will first go to the military base to get some cheap American breakfast, and if I don't have my money by then, I will go and start some shit.

The bright side: my iPod is alive again. I went to the service shop, and it--although small, crowded and requiring an hour to find--fixed my problem. You know what it was? My plug was bad. It wasn't the heat, it was the goddamn plug.

Just think. In two days I will be here:

He Did It!

2008-08-08T18:46:00.002+09:00

66% of the vote!

Fuckin' iPod

2008-08-07T21:25:00.003+09:00

I've been outside a lot the last week because I'm the summer camp P.E. teacher, and today I had my iPod in my pocket. I had it there all day, and in the afternoon when I took it out, it wouldn't work. It clicked in my earphones, but it didn't light up. After a few seconds, it even stopped clicking. I took it home to charge it, but it didn't change anything.

I didn't think it was hot enough in my pocket to break electronics, but maybe it was. Has anyone had this happen?

Kenneth

2008-08-07T00:05:00.001+09:00

His real name is Jack. Is that weird to you?

Cage Ball

2008-08-05T23:31:00.004+09:00

I'm teaching cage ball at my summer camp, and as we were going outside today, one of my students said, "Teacher, a cage ball is a jew tycoon." I asked her specifically what she said, and she said that was it.

USO Show

2008-08-04T20:00:00.017+09:00

It's important for you to represent your country abroad. You need to be the face of your nation and leave all non-Americans you come across with a positive opinion of the American people. This is especially important at tourist sites of world significance. Rule Number One: know what to wear.

I went to the Yongsan base last week for a summer camp field trip to the USO, and I learned some awesome things. First of all, they have a small restaurant with loads of American food, like hamburgers, hash browns, and salads with ranch dressing. It's super cheap, and you don't have to be military to get in. I also learned about trips to the DMZ. For example, if you want to take a tour, it is important that you "display a neat and presentable appearance." If you are military, you must dress "in accordance with Armistice requirements" without such attire as "battle dress, utility, fatigue, dungaree or flight suit-type working uniforms". If you are civilian, "informal civilian clothes commonly viewed as acceptable in equivalent public settings are normally acceptable. For example, clean jeans without fraying or tearing and a clean t-shirt lettered with profanity, and flip-flop sandals would be deemed unacceptable." (Figure that sentence out.) You also cannot wear clothing that is "faddish, extreme, torn, tattered, frayed, overly provocative or otherwise inappropriate".

Also, the following items are strictly prohibited:

"Shirts/tops without sleeves or that expose midriff."
"Short pants."
"Any items of outer clothing of a sheer variety."
"Sports uniforms or athletic clothing of any kind including track pants or stretch pants."
"Oversize clothing, commonly referred to as 'gangster' clothes, including oversize baggy/long pants, t-shirts, or sweatshirts, and 'biker' dress such as leather vests and leather riding chaps."

What if my leather were whole pants? Is that ok?

What if I could say something to better lead into this picture?

That would be sweet.

The Aftermath

2008-08-03T20:05:00.004+09:00

It's the day after The Amazing Traveling Mixer Party. I couldn't exert myself even if I wanted to. It took all my strength just to get lunch. One thing I did discover, though--ice cream is excellent for a hangover.

The List

2008-08-02T14:57:00.004+09:00

Added to The List since July 13th:

Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife (Ricky Gervais)
Death Race 2000
Robert Altman
Barry Lyndon
Team America
Andres Segovia and more
Windy City Heat
Arnold Schwarzenegger booed college visit
Beetlejuice
Synecdoche, New York
~~The Science of Sleep~~
Megastic.com - Tudors SE02
mysoju.com
~~The Hammer~~
Tan California
CGV Imax
foie gras
Wild at Heart
Suttree Audiobook
Dark Knight Imax

Random Blood

2008-08-01T22:55:00.004+09:00

"On the third night they crouched in the keep of old walls of slumped mud with the fires of the enemy not a mile distant on the desert. The judge sat with the Apache boy before the fire and it watched everything with dark berry eyes and some of the men played with it and made it laugh and they gave it jerky and it sat chewing and watching gravely the figures that passed above it. They covered it with a blanket and in the morning the judge was dandling it on one knee while the men saddled their horses. Toadvine saw him with the child as he passed with his saddle but when he came back ten minutes later leading his horse the child was dead and the judge had scalped it. Toadvine put the muzzle of his pistol against the great dome of the judge's head.
Goddamn you, Holden.
You either shoot or take that away. Do it now."

"Korea Live Fish Market"

2008-07-31T22:10:00.011+09:00

There is nothing more sad than a child born into a mediocre existence and condemned to remain there forever. It is a child with no choice. He can do nothing but live his father's life. This is worst at the restaurant by my house. The children are there 24/7, because the parents have no sitters. They have nothing to do but follow Mom and Dad around. They are watching people drink, they are breathing in the smoke. They are watching people puke. No big deal. Normally I walk by and think, Whatever. To each his own. But yesterday I saw the family's new baby. It was probably 4 months old. It was so young, it couldn't even sit up. Yet there it was, lying on the plastic table next to Grandpa's soju bottle.

Is this what they do? Is this the best place for this child, this delicate human being with fragile skin and eyes and lungs? On a card table at a fish restaurant, breathing in exhaust and tobacco? I was so amazed (first, that the baby was actually cute), that I went home and got my camera and took a picture. Of course, I couldn't rightly ask to take a picture of the kids, so I told the Grandpa that I was taking pictures of the sign. In the closer shot, you can see the baby blanket on the table next to a tray of beer snacks and a sauce bottle. Such is his bed.

The Good, The Bad, The Weird

2008-07-29T23:09:00.009+09:00

I consider an homage a reference to a style, added in brief. It is a subtle tribute to earlier art--large enough to be seen, but small enough so that it doesn't distract. In film, I prefer that it be a set decoration or piece of costume. It can also be music. I am less a fan, however, of re-enaction, especially the exact duplication of something. It can sometimes be effective, like when it bridges two seemingly unrelated genres, but when it is a picture-perfect copy, I think it loses its appeal. I especially don't like when there are multiple re-enactments in one work.

"The Good, The Bad, The Weird" is such a work. I saw it last night at Yongsan with English subtitles, and I can't count the number of times they ripped off classic westerns. (I actually can't, because I was only counting Leone references, and even then, I was only counting exact re-enactments.) First, there was the good guy befriending the crazy guy. It was their intimate talk that gave them both reason to continue. Naturally, the crazy guy betrayed the good. Then there was the triangle show-down: the three bandits ready to kill, the establishing shot with one bandit's back to the camera, the small zoom of the pistol, the pans of the eyes. There was even a hidden metal chest plate. (To be fair though, the chest plate's unveiling in this movie would have been super hip in Fistful of Dollars. "Uh. Why am I so heavy?" CLUNK.)

That said, it was entertaining. There was some good stabbing, a dude with a big hammer, and a magic, disappearing Japanese army. There were even some neat in-fight props, like a brass diving helmet. How cool would Blondie have been if his face was bulletproof? Pretty damn cool.

Truck: the Movie

2008-07-28T19:07:00.004+09:00

I was in Hongdae the other weekend at 7 AM when I saw a poster for Truck: the Movie. Of course I had to have the poster for myself. I don't know who the truck is or what's his problem, but from the looks of the repetitive (and thereby awesome) slogan, I bet he's angry. Perhaps even vengeful.

If you were to give this movie a tagline based on movies done by Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck Bronson, they would go something like this:

"A top secret nuclear satellite. A team of international terrorists. A government held hostage. An undetectable moving headquarters. Only one truck stands in the way."

"They killed his truck wife ten years ago. There's still time to save her. Truck murder is forever... until now."

"In Above the Truck Law, he got tough. In Hard to Kill Truck, he got even. Now the truck with the short fuse is... Marked For Truck Death."

"No judge. No jury. No cars. Only trucks."

Random Blood

2008-07-27T22:34:00.003+09:00

"When they crossed the square attired in their new haberdashery, some with coatsleeves barely past their elbows, the scalps were being strung about the iron fretwork of the gazebo like decorations for some barbaric celebration. The severed heads had been raised on poles above the lampstandards where they now contemplated with their caved and pagan eyes the dry hides of their kinsmen and forebears strung across the stone facade of the cathedral and clacking lightly in the wind. Late when the lamps were lit the heads in the soft glare of the uplight assumed the look of tragic masks and within a few days they would become mottled white and altogether leprous with the droppings of the birds that roosted upon them."

History Iceberg

2008-07-27T18:02:00.006+09:00

I saw a woman on the bus today who had a shirt with "History Iceberg" printed on the front pocket. On the back was a picture of Speedy Gonzalez. It looked like a work uniform, perhaps for a kiosk that sold a cool treat like shaved ice, but the woman who wore it was at least 50 and way too well-to-do to have a job like that. Then again, a shirt with a two-foot Speedy Gonzalez on the back isn't exactly something a normal 50 year-old would wear. How do we reconcile these two imponderables? I don't think we can.

Painted Face

2008-07-26T23:40:00.007+09:00

I went to Caribbean Bay yesterday with my summer school. While we were waiting in line, some of my kids pulled another kid's swimming cap over his face and yelled, "Teacher, painted face!"

The boy who had the swimming cap pulled over his face looks like he is crying, but actually he was OK with it.

America

2008-07-26T23:30:00.005+09:00

This is for those who requested the salute. Unfortunately, he is not as pliable as he is in our riffing. It just looks like he is shielding the sun.

His name is Woody. It was given to him by the guy who held it for me while I went back home for a week. It's a simple name, but a good one.

Summer School

2008-07-23T18:51:00.013+09:00

My Korean teacher is fucking terrible. How are they going to fucking learn if you translate every word I say?

A confrontation and a killing

2008-07-22T23:07:00.003+09:00

"The fire steamed and blackened and a gray cloud of smoke rose and the columnar arches of blood slowly subsided until just the neck bubbled gently like a stew and then that too was stilled. He was sat as before save headless, drenched in blood, the cigarillo still between his fingers, leaning toward the dark and smoking grotto in the flames where his life had gone."

Weekend at Bernie's

2008-07-20T20:57:00.009+09:00

I went to see Bernie in the hospital last week, and boy, what a place. First of all, the entire place smelled of fish. I could smell it in the lobby a little, but in the elevator I really got it. Everyone obviously ate shitty Korean cafeteria food, and the collective smell was fucking awful. I was in the elevator with two oldies, a nurse and a guy on a gurney. The gurney guy had nothing to do but blow air.

Impression number two was the absolute chaos of Bernie’s ward. Kids running around, old men with the scrubs and the IV stands, nurses everywhere. From the elevator, you’re staring down a long hallway of about 12 rooms. To your immediate right is the nurse’s station. Maybe a dozen nurses scurrying all over the place. Moving fast but not going anywhere. Apparently not doing anything either, as Bernie says they haven't done shit for him. Won't even fucking come and take his dirty dishes.

I have a piece of paper in my hand with Bernie’s name written in Korean. It’s transliterated into phonetics: “BO-NEE BAEB-KEOK”. I walk up to the desk, and there are women in pink pant-suits all over the place. One is sitting down typing on the phone, one is putting files away, and others are just moving. This station isn’t very big either. Only 3 chairs, so it's a big pink mess.

I give my slip of paper to the woman at the phone, and she tells me the room number in Korean. I understand the first half, so I ask her to repeat it. She of course thinks I'm a retard, so she just stares at me. "Uhhhh." Thankfully then a woman standing behind her says in bad English, “Seven zero eight”. Alright, cool.

I walk down the hall, and it turns out 708 is way at the end. I get there and I see two Korean men watching TV. One sitting in a chair, one on the bed. There are three beds, and one of them is empty. I see a backpack with a Canadian flag tag on it, so I know it’s Bernie. I go back to the nurse’s station, and all the women are doing the exact same thing. It's like a goddamn ant farm. A pink ant farm with hair buns. I ask in Korean where Bernie is. It’s one of the few things I can actually say, where something is. Where’s the bathroom? Where’s this thing? Where’s the Han River? The woman tells me he’s upstairs on the 9^th floor. There’s a terrace up there.

So I finally get to Bernie, and what a fucking state. He looks good physically, but he has this giant thing on his leg. This contraption between his ankle and his knee, holding his shin together. Big as a trashcan. Like something from Wild Wild West, with the metal and the spider webs. It’s covered in this large bandage. It bulges under the cloth and looks like the frame of a parade float.

Apparently, this thing totally fucks Bernie's life up. He broke his tibia and fibia, and both breaks are different. One is vertical and jagged , and the other is horizontal and splintery. He’s in a wheelchair, and he's gonna be in it for a least a month. After that, he can use crutches, but he still has to have the spider web. He has something like a dozen pins in his bones, and the spider web holds everything together. And the worst part is that he's on crutches for a year. There are two pins that can’t come out till then. Poor guy.

Anyway, at least his spirits are good. His coworkers and bosses came to visit him, and they seem like they’ll stand by him. They won’t make him quit or anything. He might have to renegotiate his contract to reflect the new way he has to teach, but at least he won’t have to leave Korea. Plus, one of his student’s parents came to visit him, and she’s apparently influential with the other parents. She likes Bernie, so she’ll bat for him.

I guess all we can do is go to Bernie’s house and give him shots.

Watchmen

2008-07-20T17:18:00.010+09:00

I saw the cast list and trailer today. The biggest star in it is Billy Crudup.

The rest are complete no-names. The biggest thing they have been in is P.S. I Love You.

And was that Billy Corgan doing the soundtrack? Talk about music souring a movie.

My Apartment

2008-07-18T02:16:00.009+09:00

Just in case you think I forgot:

That shit is 5' x 8'.

Last Day of School

2008-07-18T00:51:00.012+09:00

We had our last-day-of-school assembly yesterday.

Not many assemblies have a priest:

Not many schools have prayer books either:

I like the big Asian teeth.

And the smiling sun and the kid falling down:

Have a good vacation.

Name Change

2008-07-16T08:11:00.013+09:00

I did it. I folded like a taco.

It's actually better, I just feel gay with my own name in the title.

Questions? Comments? Talk to this guy:

206: All Prologue

2008-07-16T07:48:00.010+09:00

I just watched it and I can't believe it. I kind of saw it coming, but then I didn't.

Speaking of, I just read how two mobsters once looped a rope around a woman's neck and fed the end of the rope into a garbage disposal. They cranked the rope tight by turning on the grinder, then questioned her about her possible snitching. After she told them everything they wanted to know, they turned the disposal back on. Police found her body the next day.

Don't you think this should have been in a movie by now?

For Dan

2008-07-15T14:02:00.014+09:00

Some of us had problems with my last morsel, so here:

Literally translated it's "The Good, The Bad, The Weird". Pretty blatant rip-off, but the buzz is good.

For those of you in Korea, it's showing with English subtitles at Yongsan CGV starting this weekend. Interested?

Mild Food Poisoning

2008-07-14T19:44:00.005+09:00

Today I feel like this:

I think it was the shitty gas station hamburger I ate for breakfast.

THE KING

2008-07-13T19:45:00.007+09:00

Today I saw this:

The only good thing was William Hurt's facial hair. And Paul Dano got stabbed.

And it came out three years ago. WTF?

Oh, and I saw it with this guy:

THIS'LL BE GAY. DON'T EXPECT A LOT.

2008-07-13T17:04:00.003+09:00

Or better yet, don't expect anything.

Let's start with the list I keep in my pocket.

The List

My Baby Takes the Morning Train
Joaquin Phoenix - 2 movies late 2007
Darjeeling Limited
Alison R. (Fake Interviews w/ Real Celebs)
The Hot Seat (T.O.NY)
Trapped in the Closet
Steve-O's Mixtape
Dr. Drew's Celeb. Add.
The Wire Season 2
Streetcar Named Desire
Three 6 Mafia - "Last 2 Walk"
Dragonforce - "Ultra Beatdown" (Aug. 23)
Lil Wayne's Mixtapes
Alicia Keyes
Kanye West
The Boredoms
Munich
Waiting...
~~Superbowl is Gay~~
The King (Gael Garcia Bernal)
Me Connecting to the world I'm interested in as it's provided me in Seoul, Korea.
The Tudors
Robert Downey, Jr. The Soloist
Maradona by Kurstica
Margaret Atwood