A Glorious Return and Some Ground Rules

Welcome back to school, Children. It’s time for language lab.

Before you enter the lab, please keep in mind these simple rules.

First of all, you need to remember that I, in my infinite capacity as teacher, have complete access to the network. I have a screen before me that shows all the computers in the lab and gives me access to any screen, at any time. Every one of your computer stations has a number on it, and with a click I can bring up your number and your screen, in real time. Put simply, what you see, I see.

That said, every student needs to begin their work immediately. When you enter the lab, make sure you find your seat, log on, and get started on the lesson right away. Please don’t waste time at the beginning of the class tending to such personal business as chatting with your boyfriend. In this regard, your school email address is the same as your cellular telephone: they are not allowed in class. I know you just HAVE to talk your boyfriend right now, but don’t worry. I’m sure he can wait to say in person “nuttin’ much; just bored in study hall thinking of you baby”.

Please also remember—and I’m looking at you, Casey—that I have a greater perception of the classroom than you realize. I CAN see and hear you, even if you are quietly trying to hide behind the partition of your computer. I KNOW you and Contessa are not doing your work because I can SEE you, plain as day, leaning towards each other and talking. And that begs the question, Why try to fake your work at all? I can still look at your computer screen and see that it’s not moving. I can still tell that you haven’t made any progress. True, you have your “french2bodyparts” scores up, but let’s be honest with each other—when the results from Le Visage don’t move in 10 minutes, I know you’re wasting time. You also shouldn’t audibly tell Contessa how you were “like, freaking out” the last time you were at Kinzie’s house. That’s a dead giveaway.

Finally, remember that it is time neither for your jokes nor your personal information. I am a substitute, after all, and while you might think it funny to leave a message in MS Word on your screen to say “Hello!! Thank you for subbing for my class today!!”, the chances of getting a reaction from me are very slim. I am a poised and professional educator, and there is no way with my skill and control I would react to such a move.

That said, I also don’t need to see your private, personal data. Please wait until after class to check your grades. This is specifically for you, Jazmyne, because I don’t need to see the 40% you got on your “Cowboy Frontier Text Reading” or the 0% on your “Gas Lab Behavior”. You should respect me and yourself by keeping that information confidential.

And, Jazmyne, as long as I have your attention, let me just say that now is not the time for you and Reneisha to be checking out the quotes from your favorite ghetto comedy. Yes, I know Menace II Society was a fine film, but now is the time for French practice. If you want to highlight the dialogue between O-Dog, Caine and A-Wax as they debated the legitimacy of their late-night drive-by, do it on your own time. I know it’s a poignant scene that really explores man’s desire to murder children, but not in language lab. That can wait until you get home.



So that’s all for now. You can go ahead and find your seats. Remember to save all work on the “Students server”, in the “Language Lab” folder. If you need to get your printing from Workroom 1, please get a pass from me. Ok, get started.

NOTE TO TEACHERS: Using the screen monitoring technology really is a lot of fun. One piece of advice, though, to save yourself lots of unnecessary time: go straight for the sluts. If you want the best and juiciest tidbits, look for the trashiest and sluttiest students in class. They are the students most likely to get off-topic, and whatever they do look at usually doesn’t disappoint.

Enjoy this lab time. You really do have complete control. Like O-Dog would say, “Shit, nigga, I'll smoke anybody, nigga. I just don't give a fuck. Shit. I'm gonna hit this shit, nigger.”