Saturday, June 27, 2009

Satellite Radio

Just a reminder for those of you still disconsolate over the Michael Jackson situation: People can move on. Satellite radios are people, too.

Will Stamina reminds all his fellow satellite radio subscribers it's All Michael Jackson through Monday on Sirius 51 and XM 62, and offers this headline: "Stoned wallabies make crop circles."

Open Micah thinks we should stop talking about Michael Jackson. He's dead and we shouldn't let a perve get away with being freaky. And Sirius is on its way out. Let it die.

Aden Glowering
Maybe we should stop letting dumb fucks w/ no relevance at all in history stop posting stupid fucking facebook comments.

Will Stamina Please....language...

Open Micah
Yeah, take it more seriously.

Will Stamina I'm not trying to make a statement, just trying to make folks aware of something they might like to listen to, and given the number of people who have asked me about it (several), there's interest in listening to something like this. Nothing more, nothing less. And I, for one, will be listening.

Aden Glowering
Michael Jackson inspired an entire generation. I will give you a quote from my bro" at my age thriller and bad were required listening for survival of the elementary school. parachute pants and checkerboard kicks didnt hurt that cause much either. watching michael grow from what he was to what he became was a difficult process but looking back... i am glad i could have his music as the backdrop for important parts of my life. r.i.p king of pop

Open Micah I'm just saying go into a sports bar right now. You don't want to hear Michael Jackson played 13 times.

Laura Lady
Correction- YOU don't want to hear him played 13 times. So stay out!! Because the rest of the world WANTS to hear him. For those of us in our 30s and 40s, he was our Elvis, our Lennon. You 20-somethings sadly don't have a musical artist that has achieve god-like status. If you had, you'd understand his role in our lives.And quit cursing on Will's Friendface page! He uses this not only for friends but for professional purposes!

And thus do all of us here at Open Micah remember the King of Pop. We also wish to express our condolences to the survivors of Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon. May you and all your progeny be free from anal cancer. Hi-yooo!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Letter to a Supervisor


You have indeed always tried to help me, but usually your help is very accusatory. You frame all the problems like they are not your fault, and then keep this air of superiority when explaining the situation. I also hear that you complain to the office about how you have to deal with me. That's certainly not very polite.

You need to realize that the people you work with are all as intelligent and capable as you are. They understand the duties required of them and the way in which they do their work. You don't need to explain at length how they should finish an assignment. You hired these people so you should trust their judgment.

You should also keep a detailed account of what tasks you assign people, because you often forget. This banking issue was a perfect example. True, the school paid me my full severance. I am glad there was proof. Still, I specifically asked you to put all my severance into my KEB account. You and I sat down, and I read my account number to you. We had an entire meeting about it. Unfortunately, as it happened, you didn't relay that information to school, and I had no way to directly access the money once it was given to me. I had to FedEx my bank card to Hana, and from there I had to rely on other people to do my banking for me. The whole ordeal cost me considerable time and money, and it all could have been avoided if you would have remembered a very important piece of information as I gave it to you. And this is just the banking matter. If we wanted to delve into the excess curriculum work that we had to do throughout the year because you often forgot what you instructed us to do in the first place, we could write a ton more emails.

But we should leave the matter as it is. I appreciate you taking the time to handle this banking mix-up. In general you were an agreeable supervisor and a vast improvement upon your predecessor. I do wish you the best of luck with your career. After talking to you, it seems that you have your future well-figured. I hope it goes as you planned. Please, just remember--the people that work for you are intelligent and capable. Allow them to use their own faculties to complete the tasks you assign them. Make sure, moreover, that you are clear and concise with your assignments and that you remember exactly what it is that you assigned. I believe that's absolutely crucial to professional supervision.

Enjoy the school year,


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Glorious Return and Some Ground Rules

Welcome back to school, Children. It’s time for language lab.

Before you enter the lab, please keep in mind these simple rules.

First of all, you need to remember that I, in my infinite capacity as teacher, have complete access to the network. I have a screen before me that shows all the computers in the lab and gives me access to any screen, at any time. Every one of your computer stations has a number on it, and with a click I can bring up your number and your screen, in real time. Put simply, what you see, I see.

That said, every student needs to begin their work immediately. When you enter the lab, make sure you find your seat, log on, and get started on the lesson right away. Please don’t waste time at the beginning of the class tending to such personal business as chatting with your boyfriend. In this regard, your school email address is the same as your cellular telephone: they are not allowed in class. I know you just HAVE to talk your boyfriend right now, but don’t worry. I’m sure he can wait to say in person “nuttin’ much; just bored in study hall thinking of you baby”

Please also remember—and I’m looking at you, Casey—that I have a greater perception of the classroom than you realize. I CAN see and hear you, even if you are quietly trying to hide behind the partition of your computer. I KNOW you and Contessa are not doing your work because I can SEE you, plain as day, leaning towards each other and talking. And that begs the question, Why try to fake your work at all? I can still look at your computer screen and see that it’s not moving. I can still tell that you haven’t made any progress. True, you have your “french2bodyparts” scores up, but let’s be honest with each other—when the results from Le Visage don’t move in 10 minutes, I know you’re wasting time. You also shouldn’t audibly tell Contessa how you were “like, freaking out” the last time you were at Kinzie’s house. That’s a dead giveaway.

Finally, remember that it is time neither for your jokes nor your personal information. I am a substitute, after all, and while you might think it funny to leave a message in MS Word on your screen to say “Hello!! Thank you for subbing for my class today!!”, the chances of getting a reaction from me are very slim. I am a poised and professional educator, and there is no way with my skill and control I would react to such a move.

That said, I also don’t need to see your private, personal data. Please wait until after class to check your grades. This is specifically for you, Jazmyne, because I don’t need to see the 40% you got on your “Cowboy Frontier Text Reading” or the 0% on your “Gas Lab Behavior”. You should respect me and yourself by keeping that information confidential.

And, Jazmyne, as long as I have your attention, let me just say that now is not the time for you and Reneisha to be checking out the quotes from your favorite ghetto comedy. Yes, I know Menace II Society was a fine film, but now is the time for French practice. If you want to highlight the dialogue between O-Dog, Caine and A-Wax as they debated the legitimacy of their late-night drive-by, do it on your own time. I know it’s a poignant scene that really explores man’s desire to murder children, but not in language lab. That can wait until you get home.

So that’s all for now. You can go ahead and find your seats. Remember to save all work on the “Students server”, in the “Language Lab” folder. If you need to get your printing from Workroom 1, please get a pass from me. Ok, get started.

NOTE TO TEACHERS: Using the screen monitoring technology really is a lot of fun. One piece of advice, though, to save yourself lots of unnecessary time: go straight for the sluts. If you want the best and juiciest tidbits, look for the trashiest and sluttiest students in class. They are the students most likely to get off-topic, and whatever they do look at usually doesn’t disappoint.

Enjoy this lab time. You really do have complete control. Like O-Dog would say, “Shit, nigga, I'll smoke anybody, nigga. I just don't give a fuck. Shit. I'm gonna hit this shit, nigger.”

Friday, October 24, 2008

Mad Lib by Teddy the Second Grader

"My Trip to Disney World"

Last month, I went to Disney World with Ryan 2. We traveled for 7 hours by skateboard. Finally, we got there and it was very ugly.

There were stupid people peeing everywhere. There were also people dressed up in chimpanzee costumes. I wish it had been more dum, but we pooed anyway.

We also went on a smelly ride, called "Magic Poo". Ryan 2 nearly fell off the ride and had to be peed.

Later we went to the hotel and crashed. Next year, I want to go to America, where we can crazy.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Rules for the Artist

For those of you interested in drawing the human form, a word of advice: Know your audience. You should take great care that your artwork is appropriate for those who might view it. Granted, to make such a determination is difficult and requires an exceptional understanding of personality and culture, but thankfully, we here at Open Micah have such understanding in spades.

Basically, there are two rules:

Rule Number One: Be consistent. (And this is generally an issue of culture.) If you're using a certain language, stick with it. Don't change languages
mid-piece. Your viewer becomes confused if the majority of your anatomical elements are, for example, in English while one or two other elements--like, say, the nipples--are in Korean. Such inconsistency is an uncomfortable speed bump on the smooth road of your viewer's artistic enjoyment. You should also avoid distracting verbatim translations of your own language's terms for body parts. Viewers can guess, for instance, what "nose water" is, but they shouldn't have to. Remember--if you don't take the time to research how your audience speaks, you don't deserve their attention.

Rule Number Two: No labia. You're in second grade, for Pete's sake. Grow up.

With these two simple rules, you too can have artistic success. When fame comes, just remember who steered you in the right direction.

Friday, October 17, 2008

In Defense of Baseless Attacks

It has come to my attention that certain members of the student community have embarked on a malicious campaign to smear my good name. It is dishonest, hurtful and uncalled for. As a member of the faculty, it is my duty to bring this abuse to light.

First and foremost is the illicit use of my name. In no way did I suggest or consent to being featured in the student news article. The assignment as I understood it was to create a fictional fifth finder of the Golden Ticket--someone to hypothetically replace Charlie. Apparently, the new character was supposed to be as unsavory of attitude and action as the previous four finders. To include me with such objectionable figures as the gluttonous Augustus Gloop or the irksome Violet Beauregarde is as insulting as it is distasteful. Furthermore, to address me by my Christian name and to insinuate my immaturity by calling me "Young Mr. Philips" is just disrespectful.

I also take issue with efforts to impugn my integrity. As anyone in this school's administration will tell you, I am a man of high principles. Ponder, if you will, my 7 months at this institution. Has there once been a formal complaint about my conduct? Have I ever been charged with being anything less than completely professional? I thought not. To say that I am a "selfish" and "very nasty boy" is absolutely unnecessary.

Esteemed colleagues, I think you know libel when you see it. You understand this article was a tactless ploy by a student body frustrated by homework, eager to lash out. As always, your support is appreciated, and I hope that in the future you will remain just as vigilant against such abuse. Lord knows I will.

UPDATE: I recently came across more libelous material and I wanted to be first to share it with you. Just to set the record straight, in no way do I:

  • "get a 0% on the test"

  • "always say 'It's mine! that's all mine give it to me!! I hate you!'"

  • "always say bad words. 'Fxxk you! You xxxxx!!'"

  • have purple hair

  • have a "very rich" mother

Don't believe the lies. They are destroying our community.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Midwest Grandma Says "Yes" To Weed

As many of you know, the debate over medicinal marijuana refuses to go away. Sure, the issue has been precluded in recent months by such "larger" matters as the presidential election, the worlwide economic crisis and the seemingly interminable war on terror, but it is of paramount importance to remember what mattered most in our formative years--gettin' high with the bros.

Even my Grandma knows this. Just recently her husband, Clarence, (not my mother's late father, but the man who married my Grandma suspiciously late in life) was told that his cancer had spread to his bones. As the doctors pronognostified, Clarence could expect even more of the pain that plagues his daily life. Naturally, my Grandma was distraught. Her husband's life is already rapidly and painfully drawing to a close, and surely he doesn't need more discomfort. He is also too weak to undergo chemo, so what is she to do? The answer? Smoke a doob!

The doctors told my Grandma that right now the most effective method of alleviating Clarence's pain is medicinal marijuana. The only problem, says her, is that there is no way he could smoke it--he hasn't smoked a day is his life. Don't worry, the doctors counter, it can be ingested. Well children, let me tell you, my Grandma is positively a-twitter. In the words of my mother, the old bird is "absolutely excited". Now if I could only send her some magic baked goods in the mail--if only the Korean government was that flexible. Oh well. I know a guy in Boulder that could probably help her out.

EDITOR'S NOTE: This is the Grandma who claims to be the biggest Republican in Mexico, Missouri, and THE stalwart of Audrain County conservatism. It was she who once famously decried the presidential candidacy of Bill Clinton, because if elected, he would nominate Hillary Clinton as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, which in turn was horrifying because Hillary was (and is?) a Communist homosexual.