Golden Fucolate

Welcome back to the school week, children. It's Mr. Phillips again, ready to portion out your daily dose of Who Gives a Shit?

Today it's Tom:

Tom is your typical, highly-evolved Korean child, with the oblong head, the starched shirt and the face. He is also one of more unruly boys in class. Beware, though, lest ye discipline him! His mother is a prominent member of a national television corporation, and she can bring her resources to bear. (Like, you know, calling the principal.) Imagine my surprise when he turned in this week's delectable nugget.

The assignment was to design your own Golden Ticket. We went over the possible components of a ticket like instructions, location and prizes. Naturally, being the adroit educator that I am, I encouraged the students to expand upon the components. To dip deep into their brain buckets and bring forth a ticket worthy of Wonka himself. What did Tom do? He added "Golden Rubbish" and "fucolate" as prizes.

Giving trash and combining "chocolate" with "fuck". This is why I teach.

Make Your Own Golden Ticket

"Congratulations!

Now you have a chance to visit Willy's chocolate factory. Don't talk to other people, except your family. It is important. You have to come my factory very quietly. The factory is between John's Mental Hospital and Justin's plastic surgery hospital. I will kill people, but if stay alive with your family, I will give this chocolate factory. Please come at 8:00 am on Friday.

Bye, Bye!"

Fifth Grade Writing Test

Part 2: Write an essay about the following topic. Use this page to organize your thoughts. Use the next page to write your essay.

Topic: Many teachers assign homework to students every day. Do you think that daily homework is necessary for students? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

"I thing is good

Beaucus stundent are study"

"I'm homework very pleas thins."

"I think all teacher give to the students to homework but students is all bessy so some student didn't do homeworke then teacher hit student but Americ's teacher is not hiting the student so all student thik "I want to go America" so I want to said for teacher don't hiting this is my think."

"Now lets say there was daily homework. If it was about four o clock now, I would be in trouble for secretly playing without doing any homework, or for doing it without permission. If I were a girl, I would be hiding under a pillow, crying my heads out."

Welcome Back!

I came back to my school computer and these are the first four previous Google searches:

• chickens gary larson book
• elementary journal writing topics
• scott baio angry
• "bobbi brown"+"overnight cream"

I am an excellent teacher!

Back To It

Vacation is over and it's back to school. I was sufficiently strung out (in the non-heroin, all-liquor sense of the word), but the time at home was enough to bring me back to equilibrium. Home, of course, means Seoul.

I think school will go a lot better. There aren't any more problems with co-workers, and I feel like I have a new sense of how to talk to kids. I feel almost kinder; though that could be because I ride my bike almost every day. When winter comes, I might not be so nice.

Update

The assistant to the supervisor did the "paper for paying before settlement" this morning, and said I should have my money by 3 PM. This means that the supervisor only had to fill out one paper before she went on vacation, and probably forgot on purpose. Bitch.

Vacation Prep

It's always something, isn't it? If you buy tickets to a movie, they give you shitty seats. If you want a decent burger for cheap, it's across town and takes an hour to get there. If you want to date a girl, she's a virgin. Well, today I had another one: if you want to get your money, they won't pay you until Friday.

I was originally supposed to get paid last Friday. It was money from the three-week summer camp that just finished. It totaled to about $1000. The lady in charge of the money promised us that we would have it before camp ended. The last day came, though, and the money wasn't there. I was a little worried. But, I thought, it's Friday--maybe the transaction won't go through until the end of the business day. Maybe it won't even be there until Saturday morning. So I waited. Then Saturday came and it still wasn't there. Now I started panicking. I'm leaving on Wednesday for the Philippines, and there are only two business days for them to transfer the funds. This is bad because in Korea, two days isn't enough.

I tried to take care of it today. That of course was hard. There are layers upon layers of people to talk to. First is the metropolitan school board. They said to talk to the district. I talked to the district, and they said talk to my school. I talked to my school, and they didn't speak English. Great. Finally, I found (meaning got the phone number of) the assistant to the lady with the money. She helped the lady with the money that ran the camp. But of course, she didn't have the answers. She said the lady with the money was out of the country and unable to be contacted.

Long story short, the assistant to the money lady said that the money lady just didn't do it. She left without doing the paperwork for our paychecks. The assistant told me that now the school has to do the paperwork, and we will get paid at the latest on Friday. That of course is too late, so I tomorrow I will get up bright and early to hound these people. I will first go to the military base to get some cheap American breakfast, and if I don't have my money by then, I will go and start some shit.

The bright side: my iPod is alive again. I went to the service shop, and it--although small, crowded and requiring an hour to find--fixed my problem. You know what it was? My plug was bad. It wasn't the heat, it was the goddamn plug.

Just think. In two days I will be here:

Fuckin' iPod

I've been outside a lot the last week because I'm the summer camp P.E. teacher, and today I had my iPod in my pocket. I had it there all day, and in the afternoon when I took it out, it wouldn't work. It clicked in my earphones, but it didn't light up. After a few seconds, it even stopped clicking. I took it home to charge it, but it didn't change anything.

I didn't think it was hot enough in my pocket to break electronics, but maybe it was. Has anyone had this happen?

Cage Ball

I'm teaching cage ball at my summer camp, and as we were going outside today, one of my students said, "Teacher, a cage ball is a jew tycoon." I asked her specifically what she said, and she said that was it.

Painted Face

I went to Caribbean Bay yesterday with my summer school. While we were waiting in line, some of my kids pulled another kid's swimming cap over his face and yelled, "Teacher, painted face!"





The boy who had the swimming cap pulled over his face looks like he is crying, but actually he was OK with it.

Summer School

My Korean teacher is fucking terrible. How are they going to fucking learn if you translate every word I say?

Last Day of School

We had our last-day-of-school assembly yesterday.



Not many assemblies have a priest:








Not many schools have prayer books either:









I like the big Asian teeth.




And the smiling sun and the kid falling down:








Have a good vacation.