Mad Lib by Teddy the Second Grader

"My Trip to Disney World"



Last month, I went to Disney World with Ryan 2. We traveled for 7 hours by skateboard. Finally, we got there and it was very ugly.

There were stupid people peeing everywhere. There were also people dressed up in chimpanzee costumes. I wish it had been more dum, but we pooed anyway.

We also went on a smelly ride, called "Magic Poo". Ryan 2 nearly fell off the ride and had to be peed.

Later we went to the hotel and crashed. Next year, I want to go to America, where we can crazy.

Rules for the Artist

For those of you interested in drawing the human form, a word of advice: Know your audience. You should take great care that your artwork is appropriate for those who might view it. Granted, to make such a determination is difficult and requires an exceptional understanding of personality and culture, but thankfully, we here at Open Micah have such understanding in spades.

Basically, there are two rules:

Rule Number One: Be consistent. (And this is generally an issue of culture.) If you're using a certain language, stick with it. Don't change languages mid-piece. Your viewer becomes confused if the majority of your anatomical elements are, for example, in English while one or two other elements--like, say, the nipples--are in Korean. Such inconsistency is an uncomfortable speed bump on the smooth road of your viewer's artistic enjoyment. You should also avoid distracting verbatim translations of your own language's terms for body parts. Viewers can guess, for instance, what "nose water" is, but they shouldn't have to. Remember--if you don't take the time to research how your audience speaks, you don't deserve their attention.



Rule Number Two: No labia. You're in second grade, for Pete's sake. Grow up.




With these two simple rules, you too can have artistic success. When fame comes, just remember who steered you in the right direction.

In Defense of Baseless Attacks

It has come to my attention that certain members of the student community have embarked on a malicious campaign to smear my good name. It is dishonest, hurtful and uncalled for. As a member of the faculty, it is my duty to bring this abuse to light.

First and foremost is the illicit use of my name. In no way did I suggest or consent to being featured in the student news article. The assignment as I understood it was to create a fictional fifth finder of the Golden Ticket--someone to hypothetically replace Charlie. Apparently, the new character was supposed to be as unsavory of attitude and action as the previous four finders. To include me with such objectionable figures as the gluttonous Augustus Gloop or the irksome Violet Beauregarde is as insulting as it is distasteful. Furthermore, to address me by my Christian name and to insinuate my immaturity by calling me "Young Mr. Philips" is just disrespectful.

I also take issue with efforts to impugn my integrity. As anyone in this school's administration will tell you, I am a man of high principles. Ponder, if you will, my 7 months at this institution. Has there once been a formal complaint about my conduct? Have I ever been charged with being anything less than completely professional? I thought not. To say that I am a "selfish" and "very nasty boy" is absolutely unnecessary.

Esteemed colleagues, I think you know libel when you see it. You understand this article was a tactless ploy by a student body frustrated by homework, eager to lash out. As always, your support is appreciated, and I hope that in the future you will remain just as vigilant against such abuse. Lord knows I will.



UPDATE: I recently came across more libelous material and I wanted to be first to share it with you. Just to set the record straight, in no way do I:

• "get a 0% on the test"
  

• "always say 'It's mine! that's all mine give it to me!! I hate you!'"

• "always say bad words. 'Fxxk you! You xxxxx!!'"



• have purple hair

• have a "very rich" mother
  

Don't believe the lies. They are destroying our community.

Midwest Grandma Says "Yes" To Weed

As many of you know, the debate over medicinal marijuana refuses to go away. Sure, the issue has been precluded in recent months by such "larger" matters as the presidential election, the worlwide economic crisis and the seemingly interminable war on terror, but it is of paramount importance to remember what mattered most in our formative years--gettin' high with the bros.

Even my Grandma knows this. Just recently her husband, Clarence, (not my mother's late father, but the man who married my Grandma suspiciously late in life) was told that his cancer had spread to his bones. As the doctors pronognostified, Clarence could expect even more of the pain that plagues his daily life. Naturally, my Grandma was distraught. Her husband's life is already rapidly and painfully drawing to a close, and surely he doesn't need more discomfort. He is also too weak to undergo chemo, so what is she to do? The answer? Smoke a doob!

The doctors told my Grandma that right now the most effective method of alleviating Clarence's pain is medicinal marijuana. The only problem, says her, is that there is no way he could smoke it--he hasn't smoked a day is his life. Don't worry, the doctors counter, it can be ingested. Well children, let me tell you, my Grandma is positively a-twitter. In the words of my mother, the old bird is "absolutely excited". Now if I could only send her some magic baked goods in the mail--if only the Korean government was that flexible. Oh well. I know a guy in Boulder that could probably help her out.


EDITOR'S NOTE: This is the Grandma who claims to be the biggest Republican in Mexico, Missouri, and THE stalwart of Audrain County conservatism. It was she who once famously decried the presidential candidacy of Bill Clinton, because if elected, he would nominate Hillary Clinton as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, which in turn was horrifying because Hillary was (and is?) a Communist homosexual.