유재석

Well, folks, I know you all expected that by coming to Korea I would be awash in celebrity, and sure enough, tonight was my night. I was at Bally's gym (on a free pass from Ms. S), and who should I see but Mr. Yu Jae-seok.

That's right, the Korean comedian par excellence. The one-time most eligible Korean bachelor and THE most prolific Korean TV personality of our generation. Yu fucking Jae-seok, right there working on his lats. Can you believe it? Without this guy, we never would have had the Sauna Karaoke genre of reality comedy. Ever.

Now if only my British friend will stop asking me to peek at him in the shower. No, Glen, I won't "spy his willy" for you.

Are My Kids Racist?

Today's tidbit is woefully abridged. I am still swimming in the soju-induced haze from last night's blackout. (I'm not an alcoholic, I swear.) My question is, did I really listen to 26 minutes of All the Pretty Horses on audiobook? And why were all my clothes in a pile in front of the refrigerator, soaking wet? It wasn't urine, I checked.

Anyway, Mr. Phillips, move to the question at hand. Are your kids racist? Honestly, I don't know. You have to be the judge.

It all started with Brain Quest:


The wonderful quiz game. The invaluable classroom aide. The question was "In the 1800's, what kind of people worked without pay on plantations?" My student Jackie was the first to raise her hand. She got really quiet and almost whispered her answer: "black chocolate".

Now, what do I do? Do I stop laughing and tell her not to call black people "chocolate"? Do I allow the answer, saying I also would have accepted "slaves"? Do I ponder what latent line of racism is simmering in the Korean psyche that allows such thoughts to unwittingly seep into a Korean child's subconcious?

Nope. I merely ask her why she would identify black people with a delicious, dark candy. Her answer? "Because they're sweet. " Aw...she's not racist, she's just nice.

I wonder what she'd say if we took a field trip to the streets of Chicago and fielded the many hobos' requests for change. I wonder what kind of black man would scare such niceties out of Jackie. Unfortunately, until they allow English teachers to accompany their rich students on summer trips overseas, we can only speculate.

Golden Fucolate

Welcome back to the school week, children. It's Mr. Phillips again, ready to portion out your daily dose of Who Gives a Shit?

Today it's Tom:

Tom is your typical, highly-evolved Korean child, with the oblong head, the starched shirt and the face. He is also one of more unruly boys in class. Beware, though, lest ye discipline him! His mother is a prominent member of a national television corporation, and she can bring her resources to bear. (Like, you know, calling the principal.) Imagine my surprise when he turned in this week's delectable nugget.

The assignment was to design your own Golden Ticket. We went over the possible components of a ticket like instructions, location and prizes. Naturally, being the adroit educator that I am, I encouraged the students to expand upon the components. To dip deep into their brain buckets and bring forth a ticket worthy of Wonka himself. What did Tom do? He added "Golden Rubbish" and "fucolate" as prizes.

Giving trash and combining "chocolate" with "fuck". This is why I teach.

A Note on Choads

I did some research on the subject for my last piece (of shit), and I stumbled across this outright chimerical nugget:

When Yahoo Answers was asked, "What is a choad? (Have to no now it was a dare my brother dared me to ask)", it answered that--among other, more penis-related things--"Choad is a name for the fecal matter on an animal's behind (also called a dingleberry)."

I had no idea! What an appealing tidbit!

Also previously unknown to me, "Choad made a big splash with [its] 'penis' meaning during the 1960s in some underground comics: 'What a find…a giant choad!' (Zap Comics, unp. no. 3, 1968)."

What a find, indeed.

Changin' Names

It's almost the weekend here, and I feel like I should begin what should be yet another weekend drought of blerging with a dulcet ode to the phenomenom of the Korean Student Name Change. As any English teacher in Korea will tell you, Korean kids are quite fond of changing their English name. They are indiscriminate mistresses, and whatever English trends tickle their fancy, they take a name from. It's particularly obvious in the generation of Koreans my age, as they were fans of such screamingly popular shows as Friends when growing up, and have names like Monica or Jennifer. My own girlfriend (Korean name Yunshin, who, by the way, told me two weeks ago that she is leaving in a week to Australia for six months) is a prime example, because she calls herself "Jen" after Whats Her Face played by Jennifer Aniston. She also hates Angelina Jolie, because of--you guessed it--Jennifer Aniston.

So, how does this relate to my kids? Well, school is just now in session, and all the little Korean monkeys are returning to class with different names. My kids are rich, you see, because I teach at snooty Catholic private school, and my kids spend summers traveling to other countries, going to America and England to study English. They go, they stay with host families, and they make lots of American friends. I'm writing this post because of one such kid.


Meet Mina:



She is your typical, attractive Korean 5th grader. Big shiny face, little almond eyes, tongue like a frying pan. She's got all the makings a great, beautiful hedgehog-of-a-wife, only she also has something even better: she loves--absolutely loves--changing her name. Case in point: when she first came to class, she was Mina. Nice, simple, a derivative of her Korean name. Good. Mina. Then she came mid-semester last year and changed it to Remina. I asked her why, and she said, "To start again." Okay, that's a little weird using the prefix like that, but fine. You want use it, that's your business. Then she comes back from summer with a weird one. Clody. "Clody?" I ask her. "Yeah, Clody." I ask her why, and she says because she made a friend Claudia in America, and the name is a tribute to her. Some fucking tribute. A nickname for name that isn't supposed to have a nickname--and the nickname itself is a bastard spelling of a fucked-up pronunciation. I'll be damned if I'm calling her that.


So, what do I do? I change it to Choady. She doesn't realize it at first, but as classes kick in, it's starts to bother her. She demands to know what it means. I say, "Something very gross." She asks what, and I say, "Wait till you get a Korean husband." Then she says, "Teacherrrr!", with the long Korean whine, and eventually--knowing that my superiority in the matter is interminable--agrees to change her name back to Mina.


And that's it. That's how you break 'em. Throw some choads in their face.

Local Beer: The Cafri Files

Well, children, I need to get back to blerging. I have been too long away. There are, of course, a myriad of excuses (one being the holiday weekend), but really there is no excuse. You come to Open Micah for your daily fix of bullshit, and I want to give it to you. I want to be that site that you come to for 15 seconds and say, Hey, that's almost funny enough to comment on.

Let's start things off with a little more of the tasty, Who Gives A Shit morsels that is living in Korea. Exhibition One: Cafri Beer.


It's sold at my local supermarket for pretty cheap, about a dollar bottle, but the catch is that none of the bottles have ever been opened. Buyer beware! Never try to open the bottle by hand or you will get cut!

If your a man trying to get your drink on after pulling the trifecta of masturbating, getting to the gym AND getting a good meal, six Cafris and three Budweisers are the way to go.

Oh My God

Ok, sorry to interrupt. I really wanted my next post to be about the sweet shit that my kids give me that I think is funny but really is only funny a little bittle bit if you know the context and know me.

BUT here is this video I found immediately after posting the last thing, and this is basically what I think Koreans are saying when they sing songs. And it's fucking true!

Make Your Own Golden Ticket

"Congratulations!

Now you have a chance to visit Willy's chocolate factory. Don't talk to other people, except your family. It is important. You have to come my factory very quietly. The factory is between John's Mental Hospital and Justin's plastic surgery hospital. I will kill people, but if stay alive with your family, I will give this chocolate factory. Please come at 8:00 am on Friday.

Bye, Bye!"

Welcome Back Writing Assignment, Grade 2

Write a paragraph about what you did for summer vacation. Talk about where you went, what you did and what you saw.

"This summer vacation is boring for me. I only studied a lot. I cannot playing because my mommy talled me, 'don't play. only study!'

When I was listened what the mother said, I was tired. but when I was finsheb homeowrk, I can read a books so, I am happy. In winter vacation, I wanted to play."

I'm gonna miss you, Gay Pride Parade!

Application: ROMANTIC INVOLVEMENT WORKSHEET

"It is important for you to have a frank discussion with your significant other about the impact of service on your relationship."

"At times during your service you will encounter a great deal of stress, transition and isolation. The stress of an intensive training program and challenge of adapting to different cultural values may prove particularly difficult without the support of your partner. You may feel an overwhelming loss of friendship, love and support at a time when you need it most."

"[S]ervice tends to be a time of tremendous personal growth. Your perspective on many things will likely change as you experience life in another culture. Often returning home requires as much adjustment as adjusting to a new country and culture. This can also be challenging for romantic relationships."

"In order to best prepare you and your partner please carefully consider, discuss and answer the following questions. Please note, there are no right or wrong answers. (Please use additional paper as needed.)"

Street Squid Eats Truck

No, no. After you.

Tiger Gets High Again

Fuck you, Rabbits.

Conversation with Heejung

I talked to Heejung on messenger, and she starts to rib me like she always does about fucking high schoolers. She says I can visit Massachusetts and fuck some junior high boys, and I start talking about how their vaginas are too big, and Joel gets on and says HEY!!! Stop talking dirty to my wife!!!!

"Saturday"

"If Perowne were inclined to religious feeling, to supernatural explanations, he could play with the idea that he's been summoned; that having woken in an unusual state of mind, and gone to the window for no reason, he should acknowledge a hidden order, an external intelligence which wants to show or tell him something of significance. But a city of its nature cultivates insomniacs; it is itself a sleepless entity whose wires never stop singing; among so many millions there are bound to be people staring out of windows when normally they would be asleep. And not the same people every night. That it should be him and not someone else is an arbitrary matter. A simple anthropic principle is involved. The primitive thinking of the supernaturally inclined amounts to what his psychiatric colleagues call a problem, or an idea, of reference. An excess of the subjective, the ordering of the world in line with your needs, an inability to contemplate your own unimportance. In Henry's view such reasoning belongs on a spectrum at whose far end, rearing like an abandoned temple, lies psychosis."

Fifth Grade Writing Test

Part 2: Write an essay about the following topic. Use this page to organize your thoughts. Use the next page to write your essay.

Topic: Many teachers assign homework to students every day. Do you think that daily homework is necessary for students? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

"I thing is good

Beaucus stundent are study"

"I'm homework very pleas thins."

"I think all teacher give to the students to homework but students is all bessy so some student didn't do homeworke then teacher hit student but Americ's teacher is not hiting the student so all student thik "I want to go America" so I want to said for teacher don't hiting this is my think."

"Now lets say there was daily homework. If it was about four o clock now, I would be in trouble for secretly playing without doing any homework, or for doing it without permission. If I were a girl, I would be hiding under a pillow, crying my heads out."

Rain

It literally rained all day, from the time I woke up from when I went to bed. What a crock of shit.