Changin' Names

It's almost the weekend here, and I feel like I should begin what should be yet another weekend drought of blerging with a dulcet ode to the phenomenom of the Korean Student Name Change. As any English teacher in Korea will tell you, Korean kids are quite fond of changing their English name. They are indiscriminate mistresses, and whatever English trends tickle their fancy, they take a name from. It's particularly obvious in the generation of Koreans my age, as they were fans of such screamingly popular shows as Friends when growing up, and have names like Monica or Jennifer. My own girlfriend (Korean name Yunshin, who, by the way, told me two weeks ago that she is leaving in a week to Australia for six months) is a prime example, because she calls herself "Jen" after Whats Her Face played by Jennifer Aniston. She also hates Angelina Jolie, because of--you guessed it--Jennifer Aniston.

So, how does this relate to my kids? Well, school is just now in session, and all the little Korean monkeys are returning to class with different names. My kids are rich, you see, because I teach at snooty Catholic private school, and my kids spend summers traveling to other countries, going to America and England to study English. They go, they stay with host families, and they make lots of American friends. I'm writing this post because of one such kid.


Meet Mina:



She is your typical, attractive Korean 5th grader. Big shiny face, little almond eyes, tongue like a frying pan. She's got all the makings a great, beautiful hedgehog-of-a-wife, only she also has something even better: she loves--absolutely loves--changing her name. Case in point: when she first came to class, she was Mina. Nice, simple, a derivative of her Korean name. Good. Mina. Then she came mid-semester last year and changed it to Remina. I asked her why, and she said, "To start again." Okay, that's a little weird using the prefix like that, but fine. You want use it, that's your business. Then she comes back from summer with a weird one. Clody. "Clody?" I ask her. "Yeah, Clody." I ask her why, and she says because she made a friend Claudia in America, and the name is a tribute to her. Some fucking tribute. A nickname for name that isn't supposed to have a nickname--and the nickname itself is a bastard spelling of a fucked-up pronunciation. I'll be damned if I'm calling her that.


So, what do I do? I change it to Choady. She doesn't realize it at first, but as classes kick in, it's starts to bother her. She demands to know what it means. I say, "Something very gross." She asks what, and I say, "Wait till you get a Korean husband." Then she says, "Teacherrrr!", with the long Korean whine, and eventually--knowing that my superiority in the matter is interminable--agrees to change her name back to Mina.


And that's it. That's how you break 'em. Throw some choads in their face.